reflections
Wheres my reward?
While i was still slowly letting the fact that A-levels is over sink into my out-tuning mind, i was disrupted. Those 15 days were quick and pleasantly comfortable, perhaps even better than what i feel now. Looks like they've not changed, "OH congradulations, another hurdle over".....what hypocripsy. Where i was given two ears and 1 mouth, hes given no ears and ten mouths. This will sound trival if i explained just this one incident, but its not about just that, it extends beyond even my life, my sibling's life and my cousins'. Ive stopped asking "when will you ever listen" but started "when will i be heard". Why is it that you think you are always right, that your decisions and views overpower ALL others, that feelings of others should be placed below your mighty influence. My grudge has just expanded by a whopping lot, still..i will abide by the contract. I can't risk anything. It was puzzling, when the Cheif invigilator announced "alright you all may leave", most people screamed, but i sat still. Initially i believed that i hadn't received the full blow of relief and happiness yet but now i understand, the weight on my shoulders isn't from my Ten year series, but from the people giving me the money to buy the Ten year series. My subconcious trully wonders if i can finally enjoy, guess not.
A dark cloud of fury and frustration clouds my head, barely 24 hours after A-levels ended. What to do?RL might say. I'll turn to my heart, whom is confused, i'll turn to my dog, whom is too young to be anything more than a pee machine, i'll turn to the people around me, whom has no power to help me solve the problem, but i'll never turn to you, whom is deaf perhaps? My memories bring shame and sorrow, just an idiot who thinks hes very good, who only appears good. Stop telling me to study, stop telling me exams are around the corner and stop telling me that you are right. Because i will study whether you tell me or not, Because everywhere is a corner, Because half of whatever advice you give brings US, the Huans, the jun, the jie and possibly the xiong, into a more miserable situation, where you blame other factors except yourself, never admitting that you are wrong. The other half of the advice, contradicts yourself. Why is it that you must check out everything we do, where the partially permeable membrane surrounding our privacy disallows it? Why is it that we have everything, resources and opportunities, but in reality, own nothing? Why don't you just listen? Visiting my friend's house and having a chat with my friend's parents is probably more incredible to me that scaling the Great Wall of China, which you so highly acclaim. I didn't know parents chatted with their children that way.
My expectations have once again fallen, if you are even reading this, which you shouldnt be, my expectations fall even furthur. Where parenting is concerned, your expectations need not fall below life-long care from offsprings, i will gurantee. I guess the prospect of love neither prevails in terms of materialistic needs(not wants), or social needs(not wants), i wonder where it is, perhaps maybe in the long list of "advice"? Of course i believe love is present, for saying otherwise might be an insult to both parties. Too bad i don't get to choose its form. If there is one thing i learn from all these years under domestic dictatorship, its patience, for not many will be able to hold down such frustration, i am, a master at it. Enough of this, i can't be bothered anymore, at least for now.
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I have decided what i will get for prom, thx to discussion with friend. Now i need RL's help to find it, affordable one of course. However, i may change my mind to go, i know ive paid and i know my cca is going together, or rather in afew pairs and some drifters, but i won't go for certain reasons. Nonetheless, i will want to say hi to a certain someone, for the first and last time, which happens to be my only motivation to go, assuming she doesn't still hate me.
Im looking for a job, any suggestions?Ive applied for one buy its pending, need a backup.
Lame comment of the day: I feel worse after exams.
WOO, are these hot or what.
~datahush vi britannia commands..
7:39 PM
past memories
August 2007
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Thanks to : blossom, bouncy-bubbles for the images! :D
