reflections
Watashiwa migurushii desu?
It all began towards the end of sec 3. The first signs of the red, pus filled bulge coming up from all over my body. Im uncertain about the exact timing of which it appeared but it had to be after that incident, for i clearly remember the feel or her palm on my then closer to better skin. Perhaps it was her curse to me at that time, for what i did was deeply unforgivable, even though her words indicate she has forgiven me, i doubt the sincerity of phrases said not in person. Not that i want her to say it in person now, less cause out of emotional fear, but more that i don't want her or people, or anyone to see me in my current state. I board the bus, i board the train, people stare at me, not at my face but at the scars, and the breeding plague that i am fighting to eradicate. Friends and relatives ask what happen, consistently with almost perfect linear regression, i jokingly reply, oh im just young with hormones. when deep down inside im frustrated, burnt with anger and unsure if its with my blood, or myself, or everyone else around me. After all...its only me...only me...just..me...
Today its worse, not that its something new. My family says oh i see new skin coming out, i know that thats not true, for even if it was true, it doesn't solve anything. Ive used a wide range of acne products and tried a course of anti-biotics and western medication in sec4, all to no avail, so at that point in time, i decided to let go and be merry, for happiness solves all problems...or at least...lets me forget all problems. During the december holiday in sec 4, after 0-levels we went to china's bejing tong ren tang, if you know what that is, and bought medicine worth 3 times more than our trip itself. Over a course of 6 months, it improved, though tremondously on my back and chest, hardly on my face. For once i had hope, and cut back on my merry attitude and got serious, taking concientious care for my health and skin, yet again to no avail. Visited Alexandra hospital for chinese herbal treatment, worked out intitally but it all came back, just like a stubborn old terrorist group. it wasn't cheap, but it was worth the try. My dad suggested trying cordel's anti acne pills, turns out im allergic to it and it became pro-acne pills. thats when major problems came up and the scars and live ones lasted till now.
A second course of chinese medication did not help. Ive stopped physical activity, though not totally, just enough to keep me alive. Ive stopped sweating, ive stopped chilli, curry, oily, and started on vege, soupy, fruity and just water. Less ice cream less chocolate, and of course, less happy. If unhappiness is the cause den we all very well know why, but i wonder why depressed school mates have perfect skin, what the hell are u depressed about??? look at me. Now its my mom's reccomendation, the Miracle blue light treatment, apparently its a 2hour treatment session using high tech equipment and laser at novena square. and after 1 week of anticipated "results", it seems to be heading the way of commercial psychological ripoff, for treating women with already almost perfect skin. I seriously hope the next few sessions will help. For this is the most expensive treatment ever. Im currently on 8 different kinds of cream, as effective as water.
Im unhappy, im stressed and i dare not go out. I used to like people staring at me and now i fear it. Its not like i did not do anything to help it, i tried my best and im almost out of ideas, asked my friends how they keep theirs perfect, they say they do nothing. Wow, and i did everything. It hurts, not just physically, but when u can't let someone u want to see , see you. It hurts to smile, or frown, or raise an eyebrow, or burst out laughing, for every muscle movement on the cheek secrets the yellow sticky pus just like a child knocking over a glass of milk. its not literal but its not improving. I sounds trival to the world of skin like yours but how about this, we exchange skins permeanently and then u can talk, and call it trival all you want. will that do? Yes indeed its trival, but its affecting me, and will affect me in future, in ways i do not wish to touch on.
For those who quirm over occasional red microscopic dots on ur noses, on ur chins, on ur forheads, and squeal over the drop of a slightest eye lash, i envy you. For i hope for the day when i can finally smile without pain, see myself in the mirror with satisfaction, and look at people with confidence.
After all, its just me.
Work count: More than enough, tml is gp paper and im going to do well. At least better than my skin is fairing.
Lame comment of the day: Pimples are signs of youth?\
Heres a song i composed, it isn't very good but i composed it not many weeks after i started self teaching. And to the already musically developed, hold your critisicism for i did not take lessons, im after all, a noob.
~datahush vi britannia commands..
4:43 PM
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